How Not to Look Like a Hillbilly

So, I was watching this interview yesterday, and I was inspired to scribe a few simple rules for how not to look like a hillbilly. I'm not gonna reveal my muse, but I feel for her. She's (a) young, (b) in the public eye, and (c) still in that stage of her life where she feels like if she admits having made a mistake, she'll irrevocably lose some of her pride. Of course, what she ends up losing is the appearance of integrity and an understanding of personal accountability, but hey, see (a). Someone needs to share with her that it's OK to make mistakes since you learn a lot from mistakes too, but we have to acknowledge when we make mistakes or we never improve ourselves.

Sorry about getting all Dr. Phil on you there for a minute. Especially considering that this is just a shallow piece on physical appearance.

Full disclosure: I'm about two generations removed from hillbillies (white trash, trailer trash, whatever epithet you want to sling), so I'm familiar with this particular type of woman.

Ready? Here we go:

1) DON'T walk around guzzling a beverage. Doesn't matter what kind. A smoothie, a Coke, a beer, a venti mocha latte: these are not accessories. Food should be consumed in relative privacy, at a table, in a car, on a picnic basket, wherever. Just not when you're cruising the mall or running errands. I mean, can you really not go for an half an hour without liquid sustenance?

2) DO maintain your roots if you color your hair. I don't care what color with which you rinse your crowning glory. Go for platinum blonde if you so desire. Just don't let it get to a point where your strands resemble Jell-o 1-2-3.

3) DON'T chomp on gum when you are serving in a professional capacity. In a meeting, when cutting hair, when being interviewed: ditch the chew. You want minty fresh breath? Go for a Tic Tac.

4) Speaking of gum, DON'T use a shade of lipstick that looks like it belongs in a candy aisle. Other make-up choices to avoid during daylight hours: blue or frosted eyeshadows, radically unnatural shades of nail polish (only if you bite your nails to the quick and we can see the jagged nubs in chiaroscuro with the fakey color), and body glitter.

5) DO acknowledge your body size, regardless of the reason. You might be pregnant, or have a disability that keeps you from exercising, or have an allergic reaction that causes you to swell. Doesn't matter. Even if they make mini-skirts in a size 18, that doesn't mean you should wear them. Same goes for bikinis, camis, thongs, hot pants, and tube tops. Now I know that some people will take offense and say we should be proud of your bodies. To them I say: you can be proud of something without displaying it to the universe. I would say that dressing in the most flattering clothes possible is how you show pride in yourself.

6) On topic of clothes...DO wear at least one thing that fits properly. If you really want to wear a hobo-chic baggy shirt, go for the jeans that fit like they are supposed to, not an excessively big pair of dungarees. If you really want to sport a too-tight skirt, skip the second-skin top and slap on something flowy. This shows that you might actually be trying to accentuate an asset instead of delude yourself.

7) And again on the topic of clothes...DO understand that bra straps are not an accessory. If you can see 'em, you need to rethink your outfit.

8) If you happen to also be a Mommy...DO attempt to ensure your child is wearing the following while out in public: shirt, pants, socks. It doesn't seem tough, I know, but some people are under the impression that all babies are adorable, and all people will coo over them even if they are just wearing a diaper. Anyway, under the age of 1, shoes are optional. And when inside, hats are optional. One more baby-related item: when in public, DON'T change your baby's diaper anywhere other than a changing station. Exceptions may be made, of course, but only if you've looked for a changing station and there are none to be found.

That last one got a little more behavioral, I guess, but it tangentially deals with what a kid wears, which is a reflection on the Mom, right?

Anyway, I'm not saying this stuff to be mean, necessarily. In art class, they called it constructive criticism. There's this tendency among girls today to happily proclaim that they are liberated, that they know their own minds, and that they don't care what other people think. That's laudable, it really is. But I think you still have to have a firm grasp of how certain actions and personal choices are perceived, and how that might impact your standing in a community. Ultimately, it really isn't anyone's business or right to judge another person. That's between them and their Higher Power (if they have one), or, in some cases, the judge sitting on the bench.

Man, I went all Dr. Phil again. I've gotta stop that.