Friday, January 20, 2006

Questions a Man Should Never Ask a Woman

One of my fellow DC bloggers, A Circle Has Too Much Symmetry, recently posted questions a woman should never ask a man. Yep, I've been guilty of many of those. Don't know what the compulsion is to seek verbal reassurance about my bee-yoo-tee, but I've capitulated a time or two. Or twenty.


In the spirit of equality, I thought I'd throw out a coupla questions men should never ask a woman:

1) How much do you weigh?
I don't care if you're filling out medical paperwork or are just trying to outguess the carnie at the State Fair. Unless you want to walk away from that question with a blackened eye, don't ask it.

2) How many boyfriends have you had?
Why? Am I dating them now? No? Just you? Then what does it matter?

3) What color is this?
If you can't tell what color your suit is, you shouldn't have bought a navy one and a black one. Go for crazy different colors or pin notes to the inside collar. Don't rely on me to be your personal spectrometer.

4) Does this match?
Coordinating men's clothes is not difficult. Here's a key:

- Khaki matches everything.
- Jeans match everything.
- Black matches everthing.

Pair something that falls in this category with something that falls in that "confusing" category. Don't go for broke and pair two "confusing" things together. You will be wrong, and I will need to dissociate at the party.

5) You're just like your Mom.
Okay, technically, this is not a question. But I like men, and would like to save them from involuntarily becoming a eunuch, so I thought I'd go ahead and include it. Look, women all KNOW that they will, in some ways, become their mother. Thing is, the tussle between Oedipus and his Papa was a minor misunderstanding compared to the slow burning push and pull that exists between mothers and daughters. The struggle's all based in love, sure, but for a dude to offer unrequested commentary on it will only result in pain. HIS pain.

6) Are these dirty?
Hmmm...let me whip out my chemistry set and test the dishes/clothes/whatever for ickiness. Sheesh. It's a basic human skill to be able to discern whether or not a plate is hosting a bacteria buffet.

7) Does this fit?
This is the male equivalent of "Do I look fat in this?" Per Circle, if you have to ask, you probably won't like the answer. So, no, the jeans that you wore in college that you just found in an old footlocker do NOT fit.

8) How much did that cost?
We know that when you ask this, you are actually saying, "I don't think that was a necessary purchase, and unless it was free, it was a waste." If you don't think I'm capable of making intelligent decisions as a consumer, then take away my ability to pay for stuff, 'cause that's the honest way to deal with this situation. And, for the record, clothes are not a waste. Clothes help boost self-esteem. And a woman with a decent sense of self-esteem is much more pleasant to be around.

9) Why do we need to clean?
I know that you nick-named the orange film that grew in your shower in your bachelor-pad, but I'm not interested in becoming an eyewitness to the potential evolution of a sentient being. Just trust me on this, pull on the rubber gloves, and pick up a johnny brush. It's a brave new world.

10) Why should I go to the doctor/dentist?
'Cause I don't want you to fall apart at 35. Women have it beaten into their heads that they need to have their lady parts checked out at least once a year, and since said lady parts seem to be in decent working order, it seems like it's a good practice for other parts, too. And what's good for the goose is good for the gander, mister. And can you imagine the unholy wrath I will unleash upon you if you develop a condition that was completely preventable? So ask you feel lucky? Do ya, punk?


Spin_Doc1 said...

I love it! #5 and #8 are a must read for all men.

La Whisky said...

Well done! And so much better than the referring document! You have a new fan.

Sara said...

You forgot "Are you on your period?" haha.

Anonymous said...

#8 is too funny. If a woman is going out spending her man's money on clothes without asking him first. then of course he's gonna ask. how many people do you think are not going to ask if someone had access to their money and goes out shopping? Perhaps a man should be more smart and get a woman with her own bank account and her own money so he doesnt have to ask. also using the psychology that a more self-esteem woman is more pleasant to be around? i'm damn sure she was able to handle that issue by herself before i got with her...whats the difference now?

also if she cant handle money think hes donna keep her around and just 'remove the ability" ya right...he'll dump her, let her keep the clothes and take his losses.

just because your with someone doesnt mean you should babysit them or their feelings. each person is an individual before they got together and was responsible for themselves. this shouldnt change in the slightest when entering a relationship.

also there are no questions you should ask someone whom your so close to. if thats the case...then your not close enough.

MCV said...

Hi Anonymous... About the money thing... You're assuming that the woman isn't contributing money in the marriage? I'm thinking of couples where each partner pulls down the same kind of cash. The 'remove the ability' comment was mostly to highlight how silly it is to ask, "How much did that cost?" when the person who is asking it is really thinking, "I don't think we needed that, so if it wasn't free, it was a waste of money." That's the conversation that needs to happen...

I fully agree, though, that one's ability to handle bidness should not be compromised just because s/he got married. And I definitely, definitely agree that no question should really be off limits. Mostly, I take issue with the way a question is asked...