Monday, August 06, 2012

Diet Math

To lose one pound, you have to burn 3,000 calories.  Did you know that?  I didn't know that.  So, if you learn nothing else from this blog, you've learned that. 

You're welcome.

That is the only fact you'll find here, though.  The rest of this post comprises formulas and interpretations of my own devising.  Don't like math?  Do you tell people that you're 'not a math person'?

Tangent time!

One of my former co-workers said that the only reason that math achievement lags behind literacy rates in the U.S. is because it's socially acceptable to declare oneself 'afraid of math.'  When's the last time you heard a person say, "I'm not really a words person. I don't read that well."

You might hear that in some inspirational flick that is meant to show us the error of willful ignorance. The character arc would be the epiphany that 'tis noble to seek a skill that helps you navigate, nay, enjoy the world.

Anyway, if it was clear that that the reading-challenged person was joking, you would probably erupt with pity, wouldn't you?  You wouldn't say, "Ah, that's okay. You don't really need to know how to read."

Tangent done.

Now, please enjoy my own personal eating/exercise math formulas:

1) Actual body weight = whatever the scale tells you - clothes/shoes weight (duh) - hair weight (substantial for some of us) - breast weight (unless you're a dude).  Breast weight should never count as a problem.  Or so most men will tell you.

2) 40 minutes on the elliptical at level 5 = I can have 2 glasses of Shiraz tonight AND bread.

3) Scissor Sisters' 'Magic Hour' = activates some kind of quantum physics (or magic, take your pick) that makes time go by faster when in the gym.

4) 64 ounces of water = 1 million trips to the ladies' room.

5) An hour of yoga = 4 more muscles I didn't know I had.  How is that possible every time?

Honestly, I use more algebra at the gym now than I did in 1989, when it COUNTED FOR A GRADE. Sorry, Mrs. Saunders, but it's true.  Though, if the sample problems in Algebra II referenced diet and exercise, I probably would've been equally disenchanted.

Thank you for tolerating this; I promise, Gentle Reader, my next post will not have anything to do with diet, exercise, or lists.  It will be something equally, ahem, fascinating, I'm sure.

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